Trick or Treat?
October 31st, 2008, 2:28 pm · Post a Comment · posted by Michael
Definitely trick.
Halloween is my favorite time of the year, no doubt. But as with most things, I have some bitterness about the day.
You see, I never got to go trick-or-treating as a kid because there weren’t any other kids in my neighborhood. The one or two times we went door-to-door, we’d get old ladies’ stale diabetic candy. Eeugh.
So don’t come to my house, knocking on my door for candy, boys and girls, cuz here’s what you’ll get:
– Toenail clippings
– generic cold medicine
– 4-year-old bag of Halls lozenges, mostly stuck together, from the bottom of the briefcase I used as a teacher
– Hairballs from the shower drain
– the “Rolling Stone” with the Backstreet Boys on the cover
– 1/2 a ceramic plate
– Rusty razorblades (apple not included)
– Mouse droppings
– Spiders from behind my couch, live
– Rotting alfalfa sprouts from the bottom drawer of my fridge
– fuzzy, week-old coffee
– a night in the pit (also known by my landlord as ‘The Silence of the Lambs basement’)
– dead moth, found between the screen and storm window
– can of Progresso-brand clam sauce inherited from my long-deceased grandmother’s pantry
– paper towel used to wipe grime from coffee machine
And if you’re the 13th caller, you’ll get the grand prize: one used toilet brush, off-white!
